


Stardate... computer, stop recording

by TimeLordOfManyNames



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek Online
Genre: Angst, Denobulan, Drama, F/M, Gen, Mind Meld, Original Character(s), Rigelian, Romulan, Vulcan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-24 14:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4923571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeLordOfManyNames/pseuds/TimeLordOfManyNames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There could be things about your captain you better not know. Especially when she doesn't want you to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Things you better not know

**Author's Note:**

> No idea how long it would be. Actually I had no clear intention to start this one, but it is there and unfolding no matter what. Genres and rating may change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: «Tanz Mit Mir» by Eisbrecher.

Flashes of light. Shouts. Cries of the wounded.

A fight.

This landing turned out to be tough. Just as she expected, or so. Tovan throws out a grenade and she's deaf for a moment. Mogop tries to cover her back, when she sprints to attack.

Here you are.

Killing people never was a problem for her as long as they are considered as unwanted. The Tal Shiar are unwanted. Most of them.

A smile crosses her lips, everyone is too busy to notice. Except for Tevok, but he already knows her far too well. Adrenaline is always welcome for the battle, it makes you faster, stronger, fiercer. It makes you feel painfully alive. Like now.

She fires and fires, shooting to kill. Nobody cares as long as she doesn't as well. Her senior officers knew exactly what kind of a captain they were willing to choose by joining her crew. A renegade as themselves. Even if D'Tan doesn't realize it. But she knows that — oh — he does. He does it very well.

A flash. A piercing pain in her shoulder. That would be nothing, but a keen shiver runs through her body. So familiar. Some kind of psychotropic. Great.

She falls, her pupils are utterly contracted, she beats in convulsions with a frantic facial expression, seeing nothing. At first. Tevok is already there, but she doesn't perceive him. He tries to lock her hands and legs, but she is too strong now to do so. Visions come, pushing themselves forcefully through the dark. Interrogations, violence, sneers and the face she will never forget.

The fight is still going on — without her. Tevok presses a hypospray to her neck. Nothing. She seizes him by shoulders, squeezing, digging her fingers into his clothes. Her eyes open wide, an expression even more frantic than before, her lips are shivering and muttering unintelligible words — and he can't resist but to mind meld with her.

A flash. Painfully bright images of her past she would never share with someone else. Violence. So much violence. A cell of some covert resistance organization, fighting the Tal Shier. Special tasks. How old was she? Far too young to start killing. Far too young to do things she was asked to do. Flashes, flashes, flashes. Her squeezing on his shoulders is going to leave intense bruises. Tevok winces. So much strength in such a small body.

Another flash. He opens his eyes wide, while seeing what else her memory has to hide. Too horrifying to be real. Too repulsive to ever recall again. She starts to throttle him, realizing, yet too slowly, what's happening. He gasps. It can't be true. Left behind on a mission to find out that everyone else is already dead. And what kind of a mission? Visions are fiercely imprinting into his consciousness, almost hurting. Everything before Virinat seems non-comparable to the losses colonists are crying over.

Tevok breaks the link, running out of air. Nala blinks slowly, fully conscious now. She stares him straight in the eyes, leaving him breathing, and smiles with an exact deadly smile she's used to address to her victims. Suan lowers her tricorder and steps away from them, terrified by what she has seen.

The fight is over. Mogop silently tells Suan to leave the battlefield and go back to work.

Nala rises to her feet. Tevok seems shocked, but she knows — he won't tell anyone. She presses his head down and involves him into a deep kiss, dominating him with her tongue. Then she advances to his ear, whispering straight into the auricle:

"If you ever try to mind meld with me again, I'll break your neck."


	2. Needless questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: «Winter» by Unheilig.

Nala lies down on her bed. A coin glitters dimly in her hand while she rolls it between her fingers. Just an old metal coin, like the one her mother gave her long ago.  
  
That one was lost. Along with the homeworld.  
  
This one is not a replacement, but it reminds her of the time when she was young enough to not know what is life like.  
  
She tosses the coin in the air and catches it, looking at the ceiling of her quarters. A mindless doing that tends to calm her down — quite a bit, but still enough to pull herself together again. Even now, while nobody sees her, she can't let herself be less tough than usual. If she will — she knows that the rift that hides somewhere deep inside will try to tear her apart again.  
  
She can't allow this.  
  
The doors open with a barely audible rustle and she casts a sharp glance at the incomer. Sioowoon looks at her calmly with his hands clasped together. He knows that she won't be rude as she used to be. Not to him.  
  
She doesn't bother herself sitting up or asking him to sit down. There's no need of it. He takes a chair and put it near her bed back forward, making himself comfortable. He waits till she starts first, but she doesn't.  
  
"You know, I'm not the one of your jack-of-all-trades boys, that owe you and fuck you. I'm here by my own will, despite anything you could think or mind about it."  
  
She chuckles, but he knows — it's feigned.  
  
"Your own will, dictated by Section 31 that needs to keep an eye on me? Oh, come on. I'm not in the mood to play this game."  
  
"As you wish, captain."  
  
They keep silence for a while, his head resting on an elbow, her hands tossing and catching the coin.  
  
"I've seen it all again," she says finally. "Now, when the heat and fever of the battle are down, I..."  
  
Sioowoon doesn't try to interrupt. He doesn't ask questions. That's how it works — never ask needless questions and she will tell you what you want to know. Of course, only if you proved yourself to be worth it.  
  
And he is worth it.  
  
The coin falls to the floor.  
  
"Why am I even talking to you? You're an engineer, not a counselor."  
  
"Am I?" he smiles gently.  
  
She turns her head and look him in the eyes. He reminds her of the father she never had. She knows, it is so silly — but she can't give it up.  
  
"What about your son?"  
  
The question petrifies her for a moment or two. She blinks and gives a squirm, turning away, clearly displeased.  
  
"Aren't you discernment enough to not ask such questions?"  
  
"I am discernment enough to ask them," he says calmly. "And do not tell me you weren't thinking of him."  
  
Nala winces. She wants to shout at him, to throw him into the airlock, to shut him up, but she does none of it.  
  
"This boy is not my son. He never was. You know that as well as I do, _mister former agent."_  
  
He smiles. She reminds him of the daughter he lost so long ago.  
  
"If you say so, captain. If you say so."


	3. Make it help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: «Fernweh» by Unheilig.

Nala throws a glass of ale into the wall. It doesn't work. Getting drunk isn't something she does usually allow herself to do, and she won't let herself do it now. Unwelcome thoughts are burning like glowing needles, getting under her skin, piercing her mind, leaving her no way to escape.  
  
She approaches the window and looks at the stars that keep shining, indifferent to the life that emerges and flickers around. It makes her anger rise again, and she throws the bottle into the wall as well. Just one star — even not dying, merely going through its usual transformation — and so many lives are lost and destinies shattered. That silly. That loathsomely silly.  
  
She closes her eyes and leans her forehead against the cool glass. It is the time to take a break. If she didn't — her crew earned it.  
  
Another mission completed. D'Tan talks a lot, showering words and words of gratitude and encouragement on her, which mean nothing but "thank you for being useful, I expect you to be even more useful in the future". Nala smiles ironically. Romulan Republic appreciates her efforts? The question is whether she values that appreciation or the Republic itself or there's just no other way for her to live a life. D'Tan is well aware of it, but he prefers to play his little game in daylight and to keep silence at all other times. Just as she asked him to.  
  
A sound notifies her that Mogop is waiting on her doorstep, and she tells the computer to let him in.  
  
He knows that the captain is out of humour — it takes him less than seconds to see. Her fingers still touching the window, shoulders tense, the heavy atmosphere overflowing the room. He notices the mess below the wall — lights splinter through the broken glass and spilled liquor. It is obvious, then, why did she order him to come.  
  
Mogop stands behind her, massaging her shoulders gently, but firmly, while she seems not to pay attention to him at all, then he kisses her neck and embraces her with the clear intention to make her move somewhere else.  
  
"Computer, lock the door," she says harshly, turning around. Her grey eyes are dark or maybe it's because of the lighting. She pushes him away and starts to unfasten her suit. "You know what I like."  
  
The denobulan smiles, kneeling before her to help with the belt. She throws away her jacket and lets him do the rest. His gentle hands are more suitable to a doctor than to an engineer, but she likes it. She stands still, leaning her back against the window — the cold glass makes her shivering, but this is the contrast she needs now. And his non-engineering skills are what she needs now as well.  
  
She gives a silent moan when he finally touches her with his tongue, welcoming the pleasure that could draw all the unwanted thoughts out of her head at least for a while.  
  
"Will someone else join us?" he asks between the strokes, feeling that the ice queen gets a bit warmer.  
  
She gives him a wry smile and digs her fingers into his hair.  
  
"Not today."


	4. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: «Try walking in my shoes» by Depeche Mode.

Nala moves her shoulders, trying to stretch her back. She doesn't like it — when she has to get up in the middle of the night without any real substantial reason, but it's an emergency.  
  
An emergency of the other kind.  
  
She blinks. Her right shoulder aches. Fascinating. Why to have well-trained medical personnel on board if it is she who has to deal with that?  
  
She exits her quarters and proceeds through the passages till the door she has to reach. She leans her palm against the wall and takes a deep breath.  
  
"Computer, unlock the door two four A five, deck seven, authorization Nala t'Li one beta grey."  
  
There's an affirmative sound and the doors open. She grins bitterly and enters. Again.  
  
Suan sits in the middle of the room, rocking back and forth, embracing herself with her hands. She looks lost and hardly aware of someone's presence. Nala notices an empty hyposprey on the floor near the table. An overdose of tranquilizer. Again.  
  
"Lieutenant Dhal, stand up!"  
  
No response. Nala approaches her and forces Suan to rise to her feet. Her eyes are full of fear and inexpressible anguish, pupils dilated. Nala wants to slap her in the face in a fit of temper, but restrains herself.  
  
"How much this time?"  
  
No response. Fury rises inside of her, flooding her veins with every heartbeat. She gives Suan a harsh shake with both hands.  
  
"How much?!"   
  
Almost a cry. Suan lifts her gaze once again and looks her in the eyes.  
  
"Enough."  
  
Nala breathes heavily, trying to calm down until she succeeds. A familiar cold replaces the heat. Her lips are tight, her stare is unwinking — all the features seem to be carved in marble.  
  
"It doesn't help you, does it? Then why? Go and jump out of the airlock if you are unable to pull yourself together." Suan blinks, keeping silence. "I'm tired of you. You know, the truth is that I don't need you at all. You're not worthless, but I'm fed up dealing with all this wreckage of yours. For a moment, you are the doctor, not me." Nala peers into her face with a heavy stare. "What were you looking for, when joined my crew? What were you expecting to find here? A home? A new family? Peace?" Suan blinks again and tears start running down her cheeks. "You think you had a wrecked life? How much do you know about anyone on this ship? How much, Suan?!"  
  
Suan keeps crying silently and Nala finally lets her go. She walks back to the entrance and picks up a bottle that she brought with her.  
  
"Next time drink this." She forces the bottle into her hands. "I don't want to receive any more reports about you drugging yourself with tranquilizers because of anything. Understood?"  
  
Suan nods.  
  
"Understood?" Nala repeats tightly.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
She looks at the retro watch on the table. Only two hours left before her shift. Great. Thank you so much, Tevok. Nala rubs her ridgeless forehead, anticipating a headache that will torture her soon, and then casts another heavy glance at Suan.  
  
"Not only you have nightmares on this ship, lieutenant. You couldn't find a place to call yours? So did everyone whom you are serving with." She turns to leave, but stays a bit longer, considering the words that sting the tip of her tongue. "And believe me, you would rather jump out of the airlock than walk in my shoes if you had a choice — that I hadn't."


	5. Crimson blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: «Love Crime» by Siouxsie Sioux and Brian Reitzell.

_Red sky above her head. It wasn't really red on Virinat, but she remembers it like this — on the sundown. Clouds are spreading their wings in the height, completing this crimson picture with shifting stains. She looks at the boy that stands on the main square and watches them. He is barely two. Still fair-haired, thin and robust. Obviously, the boy is lost. He turns his head and sees her. He smiles. Nala forces herself to not twitch. His eyes are blue. Bright blue._  
  
_"Are you my mummy?" he asks, spreading his little hands towards her. "I'm lost. Penna said that I have no parents, so I ran while she wasn't looking. I want to find my mummy. Is it you?"_  
  
_Nala feels herself frozen to the spot. He gets closer and embraces her leg._  
  
_"Mummy."_  
  
_"You are not my son," she says, motionless, and her voice is harsh and broken. "Go away."_  
  
_"But you still can be my mummy!" his grip gets tighter. "Please. Please, please!"_  
  
_He bursts into tears, his hands are shivering. The red sky above their heads seems to watch them, as they were watching it minutes ago. Nala doesn't know what to do. She can't fight a little child — and yet it is the only thing she is able to do now._  
  
_"Talan!" a scream comes from the side. "Here you are!" Nala twitches and turns her head. "I was so much worried about you!"_  
  
_A woman of middle age appears. Her face is tired, her hands are grubby and her clothes are worn. She makes the boy release her leg and picks him up in her hands. Nala sees regret in her eyes._  
  
_"I apologize. His parents were killed by the Tal Shiar, but he doesn't believe me."_  
  
_Nala forces herself to smile. It's too late to realize that smiling isn't an appropriate reaction now._  
  
_"Children," she says._  
  
_Penna stares at her, shifting from one foot to the other, confused. Awkward. The wind brings dust that smells rust and decay. The child quietened, peering at Nala with his big bright eyes. She avoids their gazes and looks up to the sky. It is too red to be real._

Nala wakes up with a scream, sweating. It is dark and hot. She pants, trying to calm down. The Firefly is on her way to the other system, her engines are humming silently. Nala falls back and closes her eyes with a palm. The crimson sky is still before them along with the bright blue eyes. His father's eyes.


	6. Not an end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: «Running Up That Hill» by Track and Field.

Blood is leaving the wound slowly, by thrusts that time with her heartbeat. Nala lies, stretched on the ground, and thinks that maybe this time it is all over. Her lips are too pale, and the green runs paint them as a linen. Too much reflection over the last three weeks. Too tired to keep struggling on. Her eyes are looking nowhere and nowhere she wants to be.  
  
"Nooo!" Tovan cries. She can hear that he is making his way through the battle towards her. "Nala!" he presses his hand to the wound to stop the blood from running. "Nala, do you hear me?!"  
  
She parts her lips, unable to smile. Their inner outline is green with blood.  
  
"Jolan tru."  
  
"No, no, no! Don't you dare to farewell!" he presses the last hypospray to her neck to alleviate the pain. "I've lost too many, I can't lose you too!"  
  
All the medics are far too away from them, and all he can do is to keep on pressing his hand to her wound. She doesn't look at him. He is so meaningless at the moment. She wants to go. It is all so clear to her now — her senseless life, full of pointless fight, her choices that were rather wrong than right, _and..._ Nala thinks about the coin, left in her quarters on the Firefly. Who will take it? Will Sioowoon pass it _to..._ the boy she rejected many years ago? Or will he keep it for himself as a memory? Or will he throw it into the space along with her remains?..  
  
"Captain."  
  
Tevok is here, he is doing something, she doesn't know what exactly, but it helps. That's why she made him the chief medical officer. That's why she hated him now.  
  
"Let me go," Nala whispers, and her voice is too weak to be heard. "Just let me go."  
  
Somebody cleans her chin and lips from the blood. She feels that they raise her up carefully. A dumping field won't let beam them back to the ship, so they have to walk out of the dome first. Dorf is securing the area. She can't see him, but she knows that. Tovan is chattering something about friendship, duty and the dogs of the Tal Shiar. So annoying. So irrelevant. Nala wants to shut him up, to say that they've never been friends, that she just allowed his fantasies to grow up as long as it wasn't disturbing. But if she will — that would be another wrong choice of hers, and she knows it.  
  
Suddenly shouts and sounds of skirmish resume. Dorf is fighting the reinforcement alone, and he obviously needs help. Tovan heads that way, but they are only two now against many.  
  
"Leave me," Nala whispers to Tevok without a hope to be heard. "Go."  
  
She feels nothing, except the wish to fall asleep and never wake again. Tevok tightens his grip and mends his pace to reach the beaming point as soon as possible.  
  
"No, captain. I won't let you be left behind ever again."


End file.
